Friday, October 28, 2005

Ah... Here's a little heaviness on a particularly light day... Yeah, I know it makes no sense but I was trying to sound profound. Anyway, what I meant was a little sadness on a very happy day(it's my birthday!). Warning: Long and boring blog.

I know many people feel that I am too superficial. Whenever I see somebody fat, I immediately tell them that they should go on a diet and I tell them that they are ugly. I want to marry a rich and good looking husband. It appears that I love nothing else except money, looks, my idols and myself. Actually, I love my family too. I just don't show it alot. I was initially extremely ugly and nerdy. Some people say that they preferred me then, I was cuter and more innocent according to them. Blearrgh. I don't want to be cute or nerdy! People like that are bound to be bullied. I was bullied quite often and although it was nothing more than some taunting, I was quite depressed by them. People would say,"Why were you so pretty last time and now..." They would stop halfway but I know they wanted to say ugly but they suppressed their thoughts for fear of hurting my feelings. Who wants to be ugly? Now, I am prettier and I am not nerdy anymore. It was a change for the better. Why though, did most of my family dislike this change? I can understand that as a family member you would prefer me to be the obedient and studious person I was. I don't think I am very rebellious now. I admit that my results did suffer last year but this year my results have gone up again, have they not? My results have always been at least average and for this year's preliminary examinations I have done quite well, haven't I(334/400, compared to my SA1's 314/400, 314 is the lowest I have ever got)? (Erm, let's have a digression, my family is quite happy with me now, haah...) "What sparked this change?" people may wonder. Let me tell you. I was a stupid ugly girl when I was ten. I went to a playground with my cousin during my grandfather's funeral. There were a group of boys in their teenage years. They asked my cousin if I was his girlfriend. Obviously, he denied it as we were(and still are) just cousins. I was playing quite happily and I smiled alot. One boy said,"Aiyoh, who is that smile until so ugly?" He was, obviously, referring to me. They weren't so good looking themselves and they were in fact quite ugly if you ask me but that really hurt me. I dreaded going to school. I hated going to school. I hated to be around people as I felt inferior to them. You won't understand that feeling if you've never gone through it. During last year's June school holidays, I decided to go through a change. Behold the person you have now! I became much more confident and I was happier with my life. I would like to say that I also got lazier and I sincerely regret that. I know that I am too superficial sometimes but I am not void of feelings. I just hate it when people come to me and tell me about their problems. I am not interested as the solutions are so obvious that I feel like smacking them in the face when they complain to me about them. Sure, I will lend them a ear but I hate it when they just complain for a long period of time. If you think it's so nice to listen to your problems, you're very wrong. Shermaine Tan, I doubt you are reading this but I would like to say that I hated your stupid whining. Yes, I felt that you were whining incessantly. Denise Tan, I dislike you. I dislike you alot. You are so fickle minded and I dislike you for being so idiotic. Why didn't you face up to your friendship problem? Why couldn't you be frank? (">_<) Friendship problems, you have to face up to it or you will never grow strong. Ugliness and pimples, don't be so lazy. Just buy some oil blotters and wash your face twice a day! Fatness, go on a diet! I myself am too lazy to wash my face twice a day, I get pimples, I am not as slim as I would like to be but I still get on with life. I don't become depressed over such things. I know that I am good enough. If your friend leaves you, you can either try to win her back or leave her. I will never ever want a friend who leaves me. To hell with people who just leave. I do feel depressed over such things once in a blue moon but I won't ever try to patch up a broken relationship if it wasn't my fault. Those people are not worthy of being my friends. I'm only left with three real friends now and they are all in the same class as me(Inez, Glynis and Valerie, yes, I'm talking about you three! Although, I'm not very close to all of you, at least you didn't walk out on me). Haha, I don't have any real friends outside school. Is that very shocking? I appreciate them alot but I don't think I show it. I might not be a very good friend but I won't just walk out on you. I will always be frank. I won't lie.

While I'm on depressing stuff, I might as well blog about something hurtful my mother said. She said,"Don't go and idolise those people! Why do you like them so much? Why do you like to copy them?" I do idolise many people but I don't copy them. I merely comment on what they say and I admire them alot. It can't be helped to admire a person(I know there's something wrong with this sentence structure but I don't know what it is. Maybe it isn't wrong?)? What my mother said seemed to be saying that I didn't have my own life, my own soul. I do have my own life. I am myself. I may strive to have a perfect body and I may try to change my style of(doing) various things but these are all for myself. Who doesn't want to be a better person? Sigh, SIGH. I dislike myself for being so selfish and I try to change but change is difficult. I hate this soppy post but I shall post it up anyway.

Cheers... Happy Birthday to myself all the same. =))

HUG(: