Saturday, November 26, 2005

Why, can't my mother understand what I feel
Why, can't I give in

I can understand what she feels, but can't she understand? I don't want to go to Japan again, I just want a 5 days trip. I don't want a 4 days trip and 3 days trip seperately, I just want to see what it's like. She says I'm fickle minded. Fickle minded, me? I am but I've looked foward to the Japan trip for about 9 months! I've studied so hard for it. I know I did last minute studying but I really felt like shit studying and all I had to look foward to was this trip.

I want to go to Japan for at least 5 days. What can you do in a pathetic 4 days? I don't want to go free and easy, I hate going free and easy, I hate taking trains, I like everything scheduled. And my mother is so miserly so she'll go for all the budget things and then she'll like bargain over prices and get angry because it can't be cheaper then in the end, I don't get to go anywhere.

I don't mean at those pasar malam places but in a shopping mall. It's embarassing!

She said at first I wanted to go to Korea then I wanted to go to Japan then I wanted to go to China. Hello, I've wanted to go to Japan since Febuary or March! Korea, I know I wanted to go to Korea at first but I changed my mind. I only wanted to go to China because I thought we wouldn't be able to go to Japan. I also wanted to see if China sold Cui Peng or Hins stuff then I could buy them but ultimately, I wanted to go to Japan.

We agreed on a 6 days trip at first. Then she shortened it to 5 days and now it's a lame 4 days trip. Pathetic.

I don't want to go to the David Tao concert because I'm in no mood to. Why am I not in a mood to go to it? Because of the Japan trip then she scolded me for being fickle minded. I know my mother tried to change it to the 5 days tour in the end but seats weren't available anymore. Then why couldn't she choose the 5 days one at first instead of the 4 days one?! I can understand but then I cried and I got scolded so I'm like, really upset. What's my 252 for? I can't go to Japan next year either because my grandma wants to go to some western country and although she offered to go to Japan again I don't want to because she's old and I want to fufil her last wishes before she dies. She's not ill or anything but I'm suddenly overwhelmed by fear that she'll leave this world.

Sometimes, I want to be an orphnoch. Then I would be able to give up everything.

Sometimes, I just can't help feeling sorry for myself. Like now. To have one of my dreams dashed like that. I am so disappointed.

Whenever someone talks to me about holiday destination(s) I can't help crying. That lump in my throat seems to be permanently there.

I am so disappointed.

HUG(: